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Midweek #4, 2017

Remember, Aug. 14, Shapes at Garden City, 8-11 am and 4-9 pm-pick up your "free" copy of my newest book, "Communication & Relationships", just because you are a loyal Newsletter/Midweek reader. Get your copy signed and take a look at the facilities if you have time.
Save this reminder in your book, computer, smart phone, tablet, or piece of paper in your left pocket, but do drop by and say hello!

Communication and Relationships (C&R)

This book is written for people who seek understanding of the problems they face in their everyday lives. It is for anyone living in an unproductive relationship, with feelings of distress, guilt, and anger, or struggling to make a decision about that same relationship. They may come to appreciate that they are not alone, that others have similar issues and that they have found a way to proceed. By reading these concepts about people just like them, and seeing how they and the therapist dealt with the problem, they can learn how to better deal with their own issues.           

In the book I share 110 different concepts (learning opportunities) ranging from 1-3 pages in length. Some of the other topics include: stress, anger, grief, strokes, guilt, ego, self-esteem, change, affairs, sex and power, abandonment, friendship and more.

Seriously, this book could help you turn around your stuck relationship.


Article

Looking For ...In All The Wrong Places     

There's a country and western song called "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places". Heard of it?  I was reminded of this song while preparing a workshop for educators on "Job Satisfaction and Well Being".  The person who hired me to do the workshop had told me that participants wanted to feel better about their jobs.  This was despite the fact that most of them were overworked, felt under-appreciated, and were definitely struggling with the issue of job satisfaction. Sound at all familiar?
      
I don't remember my father or grandfather talking about how satisfied they were in their jobs.  They were grateful just to have a job because, apparently, there weren't many options in the 1930s and 40s.  In my work life - the 1960s to 2017 - there was a lot of talk about job satisfaction, in part because it was a directive of the Union movement.  That was okay with me because I have always believed that happy and healthy workers create an environment in which more work gets done, and morale and productivity is higher.

However, something has been happening in the last 10 years or so (my truth).  In the pursuit of job satisfaction or perhaps for survival reasons, people in North America are not just working hard, but harder than they ever have.  Recently, I read that employed Canadians are working 20% harder than their counterparts had during the boom times after World War II.  In the 80's, it was predicted by many futurists that the late 90s' and turn of the century would be the era of less work and more recreation.  Hardly!  So what happened?

In a symbolic way, bookstores have reflected this shift, with more and more bestsellers dedicated to surviving stress in our lives and in the workplace. (By the way, there are two excellent books, "Finding Balance" and "Communication & Relationships" that I am quite familiar with and I assure you, with out any bias, they are worthwhile reads. Interestingly, stress, wellness and communication are the most asked for Professional Development topics by employees in all facets of Canadian society.  Clearly, as much as things have changed, they have come full circle - from little job satisfaction in my father and grandfather's time, to demanding worksite satisfaction during my work time, and now back to little satisfaction with a "do more with less" kind of directive.

As a therapist, I constantly help people re-evaluate their lives before they go back into the workplace after being away because of sickness and burnout.  As a result I am jaded after seeing so many people who get sick because of the system they work in and the choices they make within that system, that I refuse to talk about job satisfaction any more.
Instead, I talk about setting boundaries and deciding just how much this job "gets of me or from me".  I talk about balance, and work as being only one dimension of who we are.  I talk about health and accomplishment, not accomplishment at the price of one's health.

Ask yourself these questions.  Can I still have a satisfying life even if my job is not as satisfying as it once was?  Can other parts of my life that are highly satisfying or could be, make up for some of the loss of satisfaction with my job, providing I would take the time to do them?  Where is it stated that your job has to be the most important thing in your life?

So, who is it that gives us permission to take care of ourselves?  Ourselves!

You see, the mission you have been on - the one given to you by society, by the culture you presently work in and your family of origin - is to "always" be good and helpful and to accomplish much.  The killer word here is always.  As well, there is the belief that your work is not only an extension of you, but that it is you.  To change this requires a huge "leap of faith", a new way of thinking, one that states that "the healthier you are - the more you have to give others".

 Remember: if you have a better and healthier life, the system has
     a better and healthier worker, which makes the overall system
     better and healthier, hence Two Winners.

If you are looking for appreciation, satisfaction and an abundance of strokes from your job instead of from your Real Life - as the song states, you are "Looking in All the Wrong Places". Be sure you have the telephone number of a good lawyer for your failing marriage, a golf/Pilates buddy who is also a therapist so you can save yourself a lot of money on counselling, and lots of term insurance for those who are left behind after you have worked yourself to death - you'll need them all!

It's ironic that we look for strokes to fill our love, acceptance and fulfillment "Pot" from a system (workplace) that, for the most part, is totally incapable of fulfilling those needs, and neglect those who actually could deliver the goods. 


 Help!!!        I Need One Person

Who is the one person you know who could help me promote my new book "Communication & Relationships".

The person/organization/company could invite me to sit in their
establishment and promote my book-use the book to invite people into their space and then allow them to browse and see their product. This would be part of my  "Giveaway 1000 books to sell 5000" promotion.

e.g.: The first 50/100 people in the store on Sept.15 (4-9), 16 (12-6), will receive a complimentary signed copy of Dr. Dan Rosin's new book, "Communication & Relationships

Or

Run a draw for a few weeks giving away10 books a day to drop-ins.

Or

Both

Help me find that one person. Please contact me and "Make my day"

Dr. Dan Rosin
Phone: 204-299-9399
E-mail: danrosin@drcounselling.com
Web: http://www.drcounselling.com


Concept from "Communication & Relationships"

Dysfunctional Family Fallout
When she first came to see me, she was carrying around a great deal of resentment and hostility. She had recently concluded that the majority of her problems in her adult life were the result of "... never having been loved as a young person" because her" parents did not know how to show love".

She hung on to this sad fact as if it was a permission slip to get out of gym class, to not have to accept responsibility for her behaviour in the present because of their behaviour in the past. Her truth was that her parents were quite verbally abusive toward her. And while I agree that a great deal of behaviour later
in life is due to the experiences we have early on, I said that she shouldn't feel especially unique since most people come from dysfunctional families.

According to Virginia Satir, John Bradshaw and other leading family therapists and authors, between 95 and 100% of North Americans come from families described as dysfunctional. Certainly, most of us have had the misfortune of coming from one of these unhealthy, dysfunctional families-"I never received enough love/strokes * as a young person; my father was an alcoholic; I was physically abused; nobody really cared."--all terrible experiences that leave scars and result in acting out and driven types of behaviours. 

I tell my clients, "Given your past, your behaviour is understandable. But in the present, now that you are an adult with power and choice, those behaviours are no longer acceptable." It is not acceptable to continue to be locked into these antiquated feelings and thoughts.

There comes a time when we need to realize the impact of these early experiences, talk about them, own them, and then let them go. In our minds and through our actions, we need to stop playing back the tapes of these early negative experiences. We must refuse to use them to justify present feelings and behaviours.

To some degree the same goes for past positive accomplishments that get replayed instead of creating new ones. Our past needs to be just that-our past.

For us to make the transition from the past to the present, we need to establish a new criterion for obtaining the love and fulfillment we failed to receive from our family.9 Instead of focusing on dysfunctional family memories and directives, which result in compensating behaviours such as extreme accomplishment or being driven and rescuing, we need to focus on health and well-being.

Your behaviour is understandable, but no longer appropriate!

Some families are definitely more dysfunctional than others. To those people who survived the extremes and find this simplistic solution disrespectful, I apologize. There is a wide variation in problems and methods of treatment for every individual who has survived a dysfunctional environment. I don't mean to imply that in order to achieve peace and healing all one has to do is just decide to feel "different". Releasing pain from the past is very hard work and needs to be undertaken consciously. What I intend to emphasize above all else is that life is about choices. And often, that means refusing to accept the consequences that come through the choices that others made for us while we were growing up.

* A stroke is a unit of recognition.



Remember, Aug. 14, Shapes at Garden City, 2535 McPhillips Street

Have a great week!

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