Notes #78

At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is the easy part.
Getting off the floor is a whole other story.

I don't let my age define me, but the side effects are getting harder to ignore.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Empathy Prevails

According to a recent survey, more than 60% of clinical psychologists experienced depression during their careers. 

Almost half of the depressed therapists reported that their depression had made them more effective and empathetic. These therapists also reported a heightened appreciation of how difficult therapy could be, a renewed faith in therapy, and a greater understanding of depression.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Righteous Anger and the QL Meter 

My client had been sick for almost a year. In response to the break-up of her marriage, she had made herself ill with feelings of hopelessness and despair. She kept asking all of the logical "why" questions about his feelings and behaviours. 

I challenged her by continually referring to the fact that, by asking the "why" questions, she was choosing to maintain her focus on the problem instead of moving on and finding a solution to her life in the present. 

She was angry that her relationship woes had cost her a 20-year career in the run-up to the divorce. Because she had become too upset and too emotionally distracted to work, they let her go. She was angry at having lost the life she had known and at having to start over. She was angry with her ex-husband for only occasionally being available to their son. She was one very angry lady who had taken to lashing out at everyone-including me! 

I bit my tongue for the longest while, but finally, her attitude-one basically said, "I can dump on everyone because I was treated unfairly by my partner"-was more than I could take. I firmly stated:
 
Stop it! Just because you were dumped doesn't give you the right to abuse all the other people in your life. They didn't dump you; they only want to support you! Besides, staying angry isn't healthy for you. You need to let go of your anger and get on with your life.

Over the past year, she had refused to hear similar advice from her friends and family, and she certainly didn't wish to hear it from me. She wasn't buying my logic and despite several sessions together, she fought the "letting go" and remained stuck in the quagmire of her anger. 

As humans, there is something about righteous anger and the desire to hold on to that anger until justice and fairness are restored to us. By now, most of us know that the world isn't fair, and yet we continue to act as though it should be, and end up harbouring a great deal of bitterness when we decide that something or someone hasn't been fair. We feel we have a right to maintain that angry position because a wrong was committed against us. We often do not realize, or stop to reflect on the fact that by maintaining our focus on our right to be angry, we end up harming ourselves. 

In the course of my career, I have seen three ways in which people deal with righteous anger. One, they refuse to move on until some form of justice has been enforced-but even though there is justice, quite often it is not enough to restore their sense of well-being. 

Two, by holding onto their anger, they see that those who are close to them are suffering and so they decide to give up their search for justice. They go back to concentrating on getting supper, painting the porch, getting the kids to soccer practice, and recapturing the life they may have lost. 

And the third category is those individuals who aren't focused on justice at all. They are simply stuck in their anger. They remain stuck because they have no perspective except for what was, or what happened. They do not seem to be able to create a new way of seeing things. I have heard them say, "I don't know what my life would look like if I gave up my anger. I won't let go of my anger until I have a new vision, and yet I do not seem to be able to create a new vision until I let go of my anger." And so, they are stuck. The saddest part is that they simply won't allow themselves to be helped.

I would like to invent a Quality of Life (QL) Meter. It would measure a person's quality of life in the present and help them negate any past failures, disappointments, and long-held angers-especially righteous ones! It wouldn't take people too long to realize that it really didn't make much sense at all to hold onto thoughts, feelings, values, and beliefs that didn't nourish their minds or hearts. And perhaps seeing the results of the meter would remind them of what was important in life, or maybe just coming to realize that letting go of their anger and disappointments with life could be the catalyst needed to allow the healing to begin. 

In regards to the original precipitating event that invited the "unfair" label and anger, it no longer matters whose fault it is/was; if you stay angry, then you stay stuck. 

However, if you release your anger-talk it out or just decide to let it go-then you can take back your life and be free to involve yourself with all aspects of your life.

                     "Let Go-Let Live." Sound familiar?

This concept was taken from my newly released book Communication & Relationships available this summer on Amazon, Google, Barnes & Noble, and by the publisher--theewingspublishing.com

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You control your emotions, so you don't have to explode with anger whenever someone else decides to behave in angry ways.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOLF: 
You hit down to make the ball go up.
You swing left and the ball goes right.
The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. ??

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember you're "in charge".  So make sure you choose to have a good week. Then go ahead and have a good week!